It's getting bigger

People keep saying my eye looks better........   I beg to differ. Yes the surgical scar is healing and for the 1st time in a while, I have a crease again (albeit surgeon made). However now when I feel underneath my eye, I can feel even more growth which I didn't feel before.  I can feel the original mass now getting hard where before it felt a bit flexible. I keep thinking today is the morning it will be gone, today is the day I get a miracle. I was thinking I'll be feeling pretty stupid for chopping off my hair to cover the eye. Daily I pray, daily I praise God and I'm in the Word - sometimes I have to fight every bad thought to do it - but I do it. This is hard, harder than being abandoned after 17 year - way harder. Harder than dealing with the aftermath of childhood molestation - way harder. Why? I have not a clue. I have prayed for answers. Perhaps I'm not seeing what God wants me to see or perhaps the visions I thought were from God are twisted. Whatever it is I have been long past ready to receive whatever God is trying to show me through this, yet no answers are coming. Still I seek it, knocking and pounding I'm after whatever it is. I never thought I was pretty, but now I feel like a monster, especially around children whose honesty comes through in their reactions when they see me. Sometimes I feel like this is punishment for vanity, but it's just a feeling and I don't truly believe my God works that way. I have to constantly fight off those thoughts. I'm tired of being tired because of medication. I am tired of well-meaning people throwing water rings at me (pep talks and scriptures) and hitting me over the head making me feel as if I am sinking even more rather than staying afloat. I wish people, especially Christians, would understand there are times when people just need prayer and encouragement. I know I am not perfect. I have never claimed to be. The things that people say, lead me to believe not everyone is spirit-led in their speech or responses because my Father knows what my heart can take and what will be of effect. The moment we assume we know what others need, and do not let the spirit lead, is when we start playing God.  I am sure I am guilty of it, and this is a lesson well noted and learned on letting the spirit lead. I am grateful for all those who have been there for me in prayer because that is what I need above anything. I want this trial or season to be over but it is not and it is a daily struggle that is far greater than I share. I am still playing the waiting game, up to six more weeks till there are answers as to what I have. I still have to go in for a chest X-ray. I have learned so much about the medical industry from a patient's point of view and  I believe it will help me later on. For now, I just have to remember all the things I've had to endure and put up with. Last week, on one of my darkest days, my friend Chan (like Shawn) was recapping my life and all the things I have been through since 2007 and said " and Shar can you imagine having gone through all this without Jesus as your Savior?"  Oh man, I don't want to imagine any of this without Jesus, my Father, or the Holy Spirit. This is hard but are you kidding me with that? My Father knows this suffering a million times over. Jesus has been going through this with me and already knows the end. Without Him, I could not endure this.

Surgery

The doctor had to mark where they planned to cut & his initials!

 

B & M keeping me laughing.

Looks like a good stitch job. No pain, no nausea :) Currently recovering

Praying they didn't cut into the lacrimal gland and that I still have my tears.

BIOPSY RESULTS: 

Lots of words I had to google but from a preliminary yes/no type test it does not appear to be lymphoma. HOWEVER it is not an official diagnosis. Official results will be in 6-8 weeks (yay - we like waiting don't we?) Anyhow....the 2nd thing they considered was Sarcoidosis which is inflammation in the lymph nodes. Well they DID find granulomas (clumps of immune cells) which is seen in sarcoidosis HOWEVER they found NECROTIZING granulomas which rules out sacoidosis and now goes into a different possible diagnosis of Tuberculosis which they are sending me to get a chest X-ray for. Normally a skin/blood test can make that call but the steroids I am (YES STILL ON AND ON FOR AT LEAST ANOTHER MONTH) can cause a negative result. SOOOOOO..........they still don't know WHAT I have but in 6-8 weeks they will have matched it up with something in their medical books - UNLESS OF COURSE I am being blessed w/something completely new which they will name after me :) "ah dude sorry to hear you got Sharonosis" SO...until further notice - keep praying :)

DAY 2 POST-OP

POST OP DAY 3

The Hunt for Shark

After yet another disappointing blow from the doctor last week. I left his office determined I would not fall apart, and that I was going to go about what I had planned for the rest of that day - grab a chocolate ice cream from Hotel Del Coronado and have a walk along Coronado Island beach before the two-hour descent down the mountain back to the valley where I live.  At the beach, I kicked off my shoes, rolled up my jeans to my knees, and started to walk along the water to enjoy the cool waves roll over my feet. I watched the small waves come in and out, covering my feet and splashing onto me. I hope I never grow too old to enjoy this.  I started looking at shells and was on what seemed to be a fruitless pursuit of shark teeth UNTIL… I began to pretend that ANYTHING triangular-shaped was in fact - a sharks tooth! I then excitedly began my sandy collection! I love sharks…but that’s another story.

As the small waves would recede back into the ocean they would wash off a layer of sand, uncovering a new sampling of prospective “sharks teeth”. However, before I had the opportunity to grab a potential gem, the water would come crashing back and wash it away or cover it with sand. After a few times, I just stood there. I was no longer at the beach, no longer on the island, no longer feeling the water – I was clearly in His presence and I just stood there and allowed him to share His love with me. The doctor's bad news was finally far from my mind.

Our problems, like these fresh batches of shells the waves unveil, come and go so quickly. What are shells? They may have once housed a living creature. Something that was conceived, grew, lived, and then died. A shell is all that is left. Our trials, when conceived, seem to have no ending date. As problems grow, they seem to attach to us and become this permanent fixture we carry wherever we go.  However, there are seasons for all things, and at some point, our trials end. When that trial dies and is over we can cast off what we carried around for so long. I saw all these beautiful shells that the water had yet to reach. They were all clumped together and I saw them as the remnants of hundreds of trials which proceeded my present one but were now long over. How silly to think that this current situation I face, is any bigger to God than any of the other ones from the past? The water (oh I love this) comes in and unveils a fresh batch of trials (shells) He has just taken people through.

 “So go on baby girl. Enjoy your time at the beach. I can make even the remains of trials, into something wonderful. Go collect your “sharks teeth”.

Pseudo tumor - WHAT they are calling it this week......

 

      Orbital pseudotumor is a non-specific inflammation of orbital tissues. It tends to be unilateral and accounts for 25% of all cases of unilateral exophthalmos. It can be remitting or chronic and progressive. It may spontaneously regress or respond to steroids. It involves predominantly the tissues immediately behind the globe.

The scleral margin often appears thickened due to inflammatory edema of the sclera and fluid within Tenon's space. Pseudotumor is an infiltrative process and usually involves both the extraconal and intraconal spaces. It appears on CT scan as areas of soft tissue density with poorly defined margins.

      The earliest changes of pseudotumor may be subtle edema of the retrobulbar fat. MR imaging with fat suppression may be the most sensitive method for detecting these early changes. Orbital myositis refers to solitary involvement of one of the extraocular muscles, usually the inferior rectus. Sometimes, pseudotumor will appear as a discrete mass and simulate a neoplastic lesion. Lymphoma must be considered in these cases because benign pseudotumor may evolve to lymphoma.

Reference: http://spinwarp.ucsd.edu/NeuroWeb/Text/orb-220.htm#:~:text=The%20scleral%20margin%20often%20appears,density%20with%20poorly%20defined%20margins.

SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I recently had someone share with me "they are about to test me for cancer"

They whispered the last word "cancer". It struck me as peculiar. The whisper made the illness seem unclean or a shameful disease that one gets because they have walked along the fringes of good society.

I’m finding people's initial reaction interesting when I share what is going on with me. Sucking in air through their teeth with that "I’m so sorry that is so awful" look. Honestly, it’s probably a look I myself have given before to someone else, but being on the receiving end has given me an appreciation for being more aware and sensitive. People treat me as though I've just bought a ticket onboard the Titanic.

Really people, it is not that serious.

"and if I perish, I perish!” - Esther 4

I doubt many will understand how deeply I desire to be with the Lord. Not to just feel His presence with me here, but to actually be with Him in eternity - which means I would be dead here on earth. I desire that. I know it sounds morbid, and I absolutely state I am NOT suicidal. I just really wish I was already in heaven. This world is temporary, a vapor in the wind. It is full of evil, pain, and suffering. Yes of course I appreciate the goodness here, but I have something within me that reminds me that the things of this world are not to be held as treasures. Everything here can be gone in an instant - things, and people. It sucks. It does not mean I do not care about ANYTHING. I am not a robot, I have feelings. TO THIS DAY I cry for my dogs because I miss them desperately ..... oh great here come tears! 

One of the last pictures I took of my baby

OK, I'm back. If I died today, I would be with HIM. I would be in the presence of the almighty creator of all things for eternity. I would be able to hear His mighty yet gentle voice say "well done my good and faithful servant" and I would be able to join the angels eternally singing "Holy Holy Holy". I would finally meet precious Silvia, I could see what Tata has been up to and finally pick the Apostel Pauls's brain one to one! But above all - ABOVE ALL - My Lord  -  I WOULD BE RIGHT THERE! RIGHT THERE!

For now, I will be content and enjoy this life. My time here is doing my Father's will and praising Him, but oh how I long for Glory! Death does not scare me. I don't WANT to think about the pain of death, so I focus on not feeling pain ever again - EVER. SWEET!  When we read the promises of God, we know what is to come and there is this peace there. It is a peace that passes all understanding.

Maybe off the topic I started with, but eh it's my blog.....

So... in appreciation for being on the receiving end of pitiful "I'm sorry" glares and sentiments I encourage you to approach others with something positive. I know shocking news can naturally bring shocking responses, but after that initial shock wears off help that person focus on the good because most likely they can focus on the negative very well on their own. If someone tells you they have cancer, don't look at them like they are diseased or pitiful or worse - don't treat them like God just did them wrong. If you are someone facing a possible diagnosis - I encourage you not to worry about the end. I promise you through His word you will find comfort.  Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough worries of it's won.  If you are alive now, enjoy NOW.

PS just to clarify - I still don't know what I have. Biopsy to come soon I hope

Not my 1st Rodeo

People have been wondering why I wasn't scared about the biopsy. Simply put - this is not my 1st rodeo.

About a dozen years ago I had an abnormal growth removed from my right breast. It made me think of Chandler from Friends and his "nubbin"!

Someone told me they had just gone through a biopsy and that they were scared. As a believer in the teaching of the Holy Bible, she said " I know we are not supposed to be scared but I was". 

People keep telling me not to worry or be scared about what the doctors might find. I don't know how many other ways to say I really truly am not. I have NO REASON to lie about this. I used to conceal my true thoughts and feelings before coming to Christ. Now, unless I am not even aware of them, I don't really hide my emotions. It's too much work! I spent years being deceptive by putting my best face on and pretending all was peachy.  No more. This is me and I am much better at being real than wasting time and energy on pretending.  Disclaimer here - there is actually one area of my life that, if shared, would cause someone else pain. So that IS a closed topic.  

Back to my first rodeo. I had this growth for a long time, but I never thought much about it. I was in for a regular exam and there was no hiding it from the doctor who ordered it's removal. I was married at the time and don't even remember telling my ex about the surgery. I drove myself to the hospital and then home. I wasn't upset. I just remember being annoyed that I couldn't find parking!

I remember laying in the room before surgery when they came in with a local anesthetic. It was at that point that I was thought "oh wow they are about to stick that thing in my chest and cut into one of my girls!". I am the kind of person who does not think about a scary roller coaster ride until the safety restraints are being locked down! This trait is either a gift from God or I am truly missing some marbles! My friends would attest to the latter.

The biopsy revealed nothing, and I have not thought about it much since then.

So in my current rodeo, I am not scared. If anything, I am only frustrated with medical insurance delaying approval for the biopsy. The length of time it seems to be taking, I might be better off going to medical school and performing this myself!

I would rather NOT have my eyelid sliced open as they so casually described the outpatient biopsy, but I really wish it would happen already. "Heals up nicely" says my Dr.  

Anyhow this rodeo is proving much more trying, but I am not scared. I better get the chaps ready though.

Out of Focus

2020 update - I don't even remember writing most of this!

This morning the pastor preached out of 1 John. I was trying to take good notes on the different ways to be sure you are saved because that is a hot topic in the prayer room often when people question if they are really saved.  In the midst of all of the preaching I heard Gods sweet whisper and see this image of the words GENISIS 28. Now... I am NOT a bible scholar so I had no clue what was in Genesis 28 out of the top of my head and wondered if it had anything to do with what pastor was saying but I just made a mental note and tried to keep listening. Again GENISIS 28. Uh....O.k. God I'll check it out later.


GENISIS 28

“O.K. I PROMISE I will look at this after church”

GENISIS 28

“Pastor is preaching, isn’t it disrespectful to be flippin around?”

GENISIS 28

“it can’t wait 40 minutes?”

GENISIS 28

Me laughing “o.k., I’m not trying to be disobedient, it’s just the timing …”


So there I went racing to Genesis 28 speed reading….


“yah uh huh Isaac blessed Jacob…yah yah o.k. don’t marry Canaanite woman yah go to Pada what-ah?..... I don’t like when I can’t pronounce these words....oh wait SIDETRACK!  o.k. where was I ... oh yah so Issac, Jacob, no Cannanites wives…. Go to Betheul…..is that pronounced like Samuel? …uhg…sidetrack….o.k. get a wife from Uncle Laban…fruitful, multiply, blessings to you and descendants, inherit land…….. OK GOD I got nothing!!.... o.k. I’m going to keep reading but I can hear pastor talking and I’m so distracted…… O.k……so God bless you.. .wait already read that… uhg…so Jacob went away to Padawhatever to his moms brother o.k. got it…. Ok so Esau takes another wife….man this old testament multiple wives things always get’s me and….UGH SIDE TRACK!! Ok…. So is this after Jacob stole the blessing? I can’t believe his mom asked him to lie, man I ain’t lying for anyone! I don’t care who they are! When people ask you to lie for them they are asking you to sin and…..UHG SIDETRACK!!! CONSENTRATE!! OK. So yah yah uh huh Esau knew parents didn’t want Cannanite daughter-in-laws so he goes out and gets ANOTHER WIFE….I’m sure that didn’t bother him! FOCUS SHARON!! O.K. so new wife from someone in family and two others names I can’t pronounce…..(FOCUS)


Reading reading…o.k. so Jacob comes to some place, not sure where because it just says a certain place… probably another name I can’t pronounce!.....then God gave him a dream…uh huh…ladder (OH SERIOUSLY? CUZ YOU KNOW FATHER THE WHOLE SIDEWAYS LADDER THING YOU GAVE ME ALL THOSE YEARS AGO, BUT THEN IT WAS NOT A LADDER IT WAS A LETTER AND THEN THE WHOLE LETTER THING & REVELATION OF THE LETTER……O.K. NOT RIGHT NOW?...O.K. ..O.K. I’LL KEEP READING…UGH OFF FOCUS!! ) Deep breath o.k. so dream, ladder reached heavens, angels of God going up and down….ahh what a pretty image….awww sweet…but are they walking up and down or flying cuz if I was an angel I’d use my wings, no more walking 4sho! FOCUS SHARON!!


…o.k. oh and there is God above it and now he’s talking……. “I am the LORD God of Abraham …yah uh huh lands, descendants, dust of earth, west, east, north…yah all directions I get it what’s the point? ……”BEHOLD , I AM WITH YOU AND WILL KEEP YOU WHEREVER YOU GO, AND WILL BRING YOU BACK TO THIS LAND, FOR I WILL NOT LEAVE YOU UNTIL I HAVE DONE WHAT I HAVE SPOKE TO YOU”

…me….sighing…. Father I know this, but why do I act like I don’t believe it? I have faith it is true, but sometimes I wonder why I don’t show that. I need help showing I believe it.

GENESIS 28

Oh…ok. There’s more..o.k.


o.k. keep reading….. Jacob wakes up, “Surely the Lord is in this place, and I did not know it”…..Yah I totally get that one…o.k. keep reading… “How awesome is this place..” hmm like Brawley? Oh o.k. house of God, gate of heaven..KEEP READING!...


Jacob wakes up early…..uhg you know I need to start getting up early, everyone in the Bible seems to be getting up early, I mean didn’t people just want a lazy day now and…..OH O.K. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS!!!


…takes stone, pillar, poured oil…..called it Bethel but was Luz…. Made vow…“If God will be with me, and keep me in this way that I am going, and give me bread to eat and clothing to put on, so that I come back to my father’s house in peace, then the LORD shall be my God. And this stone which I have set as a pillar shall be God’s house, and of all that You give me I will surely give a tenth to You.”

Wait….let me read that again…….. Uhm….so yah I get it….Genisis 28, You just gave me a prayer. Ahhhh….this is why I give you praise..You are just so marvelous! Thank you Father, you know what I need, you know when I need it and I’m so sorry it takes you telling me this way.  THANK YOU FATHER!!! Because you are with me, and keep me in this way that I am going, and give me bread to eat and clothing to put on, so that I come back to my fathers house in peace, then LORD you are my God and this stone which I set as a pillar shall be YOUR HOUSE and of all that YOU give me I will surely give a tenth to you!”

He knew I was waiting on Him for answers. He chose when, where and how to give it to me. I have to fight so hard to listen while filtering through my own mind. His words are so easy, so simple, so uncomplicated yet we are so quick to make it so complex.

Thank You Father, oh and by the way…. Can you help me focus? Grately appreciated…o.k. now back to Pastors preaching!

WHEN GOD SEEMS INACTIVE

I have a friend who is taking steps to walk away from God because their present situation feels as though God has gone silent.

I so know this one.

I just want to encourage anyone who might be facing a season of isolation to remember Gods promises that He will never leave you nor forsake you. He never promises you will always be able to hear Him.

If He says He won't leave you, then He won't.

He may be silent.
He may seem inactive.

It may FEEL like you are alone, but we walk by faith and not by sight.

Disappointment

This was written a few years ago.

It's sad when you work hard at something and it fails. I don't like speaking failure, but I can admit when things don't turn out how I planned.

It's sad.....just so sad. I guess the reality is that I am not what I might have to be, in order for this to have turned out right.

I did what everyone suggested.

I even wrote down a few notes along the way so I wouldn't forget.

Yet I sit here, with the reality....that this thing just didn't work out. It wasn't supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be amazing, but it wasn’t – far from it.

Some of you can guess what I'm talking about, because some of you I share my most intimate stories. For those of you who don’t know, I invite you to my disappointment.

Today, I tried to make arroz con gandules ( Puerto Rican style). All I ended up making - was mushy rice stuff.

It's just so sad.

I looked up all kinds of recipes, bought the right ingredients and yet...I sit with a pot full of "nothing special rice mush".

I have felt this since I was young – maybe I am not meant to be in the kitchen. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t make Puerto Rican Rice. MAYBE! Maybe because I'm not Puerto Rican? Maybe I shouldn’t expect to make it "their" way. BUT,.....well I can't make Mexican rice either, so what is that saying? ( I also have no natural Latin rhythm, so IDK)

I used whole wheat rice, could that have been it? IDK It's just sad.

I was so sure this first baby step was going to lead to monumental events in the kitchen. I had made sofrito, but - well there was little glory in that because it's kind of hard to screw up a bunch of chopped up vegetables!

Whatever.

I better go now....because I have a whole pot of rice I have to find some way to eat.

God bless us! EVERY ONE!

UPDATE – To this day, I have never made a good pot of rice. But I still will make it. Using brown rice is perhaps the issue, but it’s a choice. I learned how to make pernil, which is more involved than dumb rice.

STUTTERING, THE SHAKES & I CAN'T THINK RIGHT NOW - MORE PREDNISONE ADVENTURES

THE SHAKES

A while ago someone told my friend, they thought I was shakey, but I don't think it was meant to be in a positive way. Well....today they would be correct by definition because I noticed a little last week but very much so this weekend - I'm shaking. I was putting on lip stick while my friend & I played make-up last night and I could not stand to see the vibration. It wasn't violent, but at only fourty - I don't want to shake. I looked up the possible side effect of Prednisone and shaking seems to occur more when you are tapering, as I am doing now presently at 30mg. I didn't know this was a side effect. I'm glad I'm not just....well shakey.

STUTTERING

I noticed more than 2 weeks ago I started stuttering. Not constantly, but noticably for someone who has never stuttered.  I looked up side effects of Presnisone and yes, stuttering is on the list as well when tapering. I haven't been able to pinpoint when it happens or why. Like is it breathing related, subject related, length of sentance, frustration? I don't know. It doesn't always happen and I  try to move on with my sentance, as if I don't try to notice it, then it's not really happening. Up until this weekend, not one ever caught it so I was glad of that because, well I really don't know why. I did a lot of talking this weekend with my friends though, and there was no hiding it so, cats out of the bag.

UHMMMM....HUH?

Overused phrases from me the past couple of weeks "I can't think right now", "I don't know right now",  "I can't remember".  The truth is, I'm not sure of a lot of things right now. I sometimes imagine what the thing is I want to say but can't get it out. Sometimes it is truley a blank. Sometimes I know if I just get a trigger image or phrase it will come to me. Frustrating. Confusion is a possible side effect of Prednisone.

MY COMFORTI feel like this most days. Just buried in His compassionate understanding beauty. I don't really have a lot of words (YES ME) and sometimes just am crying to Him. I spent a lot of time praising last night as I was driving through the mountains with snow coming down ugly around my lil Civic. I was laughing, smiling and at complete peace just like this picture. I wasn't scared, anxious, or worried about the circumstances. I was just singing out to Him.

I take comfort also knowing, this is not in vein. I know not everyone will "get" this blog - it's not meant for them. I commit all I do to Gods glory and His work through me.

"All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too."
2 Corinthians 1:3-7 (from The Message)

I will trust Him?

This is a really old post but I hava a friend dealing with something that made me remember it so I thought I would repost. I know so many people who feel like they are utterly foresaken by God because of what they are going through. It's easy to feel we won't be able to recover when we look at the mangled mess.  God see's what we can't and when we finally get that, there is a peace that can't be explained. I reread it and realized I needed this refreshing for myself as well. So here is the repost:

 I finally understand this scripture "Though He slay (strike down, allow destruction ) me, yet I will trust Him” Job 13:5

God allowed my best friend and love (ex-husband) to be taken from me. God then became my best friend and provided me with the greatest love of my life – Himself!

Though he slay me, yet I will trust him.

He allows people who said they love me, make fun of me behind my back as I became a Christian. He brought new people into my life who love me unconditionally and accept my passion for Christ.

 Though he slay me, yet I will trust him.

He took me from a life where I had an abundance of “stuff” to a life where I live check to check. In this place, I get to see Him glorified every time He comes through to provide what I need.

Though he slay me, yet I will trust him.

He took my dreams and goals of what I wanted to accomplish in life and said DENIED! Then showed me what His will was for me to be.

Though he slay me, yet I will trust him.

If I didn’t have a relationship with Christ, I would say (and I’m sure many worldly people would agree) that God is unjust. I could question, why bad things happen to good people. I could want revenge against those who have hurt me. I could be bitter, spiteful and miserable for the rest of my life. I could carry hatred to my death bed. However, when I learned the love of God I learned compassion beyond what I could have ever given anyone before. I learned to hate the sin, not the sinner. I learned to pray for those who come against me and hurt me. I learned to forgive and really mean it. I learned to leave my cares, worry, sorrow, anger, pain and foolishness at the cross. I learned to take Gods yoke upon me and live in the peace he offers. I learned that it is so not about me. It’s about Him. It’s about praising Him. It’s about being in His will for my life. It is about trusting that He knows best.

If He never gives me another chance at love, I will still trust Him, love Him and Praise Him.

If He never gives me the children I have seen in my heart, I will still trust Him, love Him and Praise Him.

If the people I love still talk about me behind my back, I will still trust Him, love Him and Praise Him.

If I live check to check the rest of my life, I will still trust Him, love Him and Praise Him.

If I loose all that I have left, I will still trust Him, love Him and Praise Him.

I was wounded and suffered severely, but I will still trust Him, love Him and Praise Him.

All my life and love plans were destroyed, and I looked like a total failure, but I still say “your will Father, not mine”

I have been humiliated and been told of the people who smile at me as they are twisting the daggers in my back deeper. I pray for them and love them still.

I have been down to $20 with no idea what would come next, but I believed and saw Him provide my every need.

I have had no food in my home, but He provided an invitation from someone to eat with them.


In between each glory, God takes me through things that make me feel like I am going to die. A piercing so intense that I feel I’m being cut off from Him, but I know he is just pruning away the nonsense in my life.

 Though he slay me, yet I will trust him.

God I am broke - but I will still trust you, love you and praise you!

God my heart was destroyed - but I will still trust you, love you and praise you!

God I don’t know what is going to happen but I will still trust you, love you and praise you!

God I am determined to get so stubborn in your word that I am going to laugh in the face of adversary. I am going to keep praising You and building our relationship. God, I am going to stand so strong in your word, not even all of hell coming against me at once will make me move and inch. I am going to stay so safe in your loving arms. I trust that you are going to bring me out of anything you allow me to go through. God, I won’t flinch, I won’t break and I won’t retaliate against anyone, because I know the battle is not mine, it is yours, and you have already overcome! I trust your ways are greater than mine, and that you have plans to prosper and not harm me. I believe that I am the apple of your eye. I believe you, everything you say and show me, I believe. You are not a man that you should lie, nor the son of man that you should change your mind. No matter how bad the situation gets, Lord I will never question your sovereignty. I know it is not my place to worry about things or try to work out the trials I face. I know you don’t want me sweating things out, you want me to enjoy life and watch you work.

God - I have done some things that you don’t like, but I know you died to erase all of that and you won’t ever throw it in my face.

God – you have done things that I don’t like but I still love you and call you my Lord.

God – you could have brought my husband back, my stuff back and my old life back, but I know that YOU KNOW what and who is best for me and I can thank you for taking me from a life that was never intended for me.

God at times when I thought you were going to give me something I felt I deserved, you said no and didn’t say why, but I still love you and call you my everything.

God sometimes I want something and feel I should have it but can’t afford it, then I see someone not living to serve you, get it. I still love you and call you my Lord and thank you for what you give me and also for the things you don't let me have!

God I know you have the power to fix all my problems, but you don’t. I still love you and trust that you know what is best for me.

If I don’t’ ever get the money I need, the husband I want, the child I see in my life, God I will still call you my bet friend and love and praise you.

I won’t use you to manipulate situations to get what I want. I love you just because you deserve it. I won’t do good in my life just because I think you are going to bless me if I do. This is not a give and take relationship. You made me to love you and worship you and that is all I want to do and the only reason I want to do it. Lord please cleanse my heart if there is anything in me that will lift a finger to do a deed that is pleasing to my flesh only and not in your will for my life. Lord convict me of the thoughts to do that which does not glorify you.

*********
I just heard a sermon and these were the thoughts that came from my heart out of that.

Prednisone in pictures

I started at 60 mgs for two weeks, but have gone down 10 mgs each Saturday. This Sat I will taper down to 30mgs

Week 1-4....non stop. It has gotten better this week.

IF you are easily grossed out Stop reading NOW & skip to next picture

.....I have eaten about five bajillion salads...(but trust me it's not all healthy) but I try to get nutrients in...even though a lovely side effect is that nothing stays inside my body longer than a half hour.....TMI but I'm being real about the effects the drug it's having on me. It doesn't matter if I eat salad or pizza, the "outcome" is the same and fast and well eating has become my nemisis. I always have to think if I'm gonna drive somewhere, that I know all the stops. Living in a house w/3 adults one bathroom - not a good thing!! It is exhausting. At least one positive is that I don't feel naucious at all, no stomache pains.

Week 1-2 I'm SO HOT!

My feet and hands feel like they can shoot fire! I felt like Drew Barrymore in Firestarter. I also had tingling in my hands and feet the first two weeks.

Week 2-3 I'm noticing my thoughts are a little.....well not very clear

I have to keep writing stuff down before expressing them because I'm not sure if it's me or the roids, but I think I'm getting better. I think I'm just more emotional and unreasonable right now, I end up feeling very convicted after certain conversations.

Week 2 Mind spinning, Feel like this is what ADD would feel like

To be honest..I think I was a lot like this before anyhow.

Week 2 to present Pretty Mean....

. Not all the time, but it could happen in a split second and last for seconds. I never actually lashed at anyone...but inside my head - I should be in jail....

Week 2 to present

To present but not as bad..........but I do at times feel like a yucky mean ugly creature

CURRENT PLAN OF ACTION, CT RESULTS & ?'S

So I am getting good ?’s and I thought I would try to answer them all in one shot. The following is the CT resutls, the Drs. current plan of action followed by other ?’s I’ve received.

CT SCAN RESULTS

  

INDICATIONS: (reason for CT Scan)
Orbital swelling, w/out response to antiobiotics. (the Dr. said later it may have been an infection, causing a blocked tear duct, causing inflammation)

FINDINGS:
The left orbital swelling (which went away day 1 of meds) and left orbital mass (which looks like it is cupping my eyeball) is secondary to what appears to be diffuse enlargement and infiltration of the left lacrimal gland.

The left lacrimal gland is approximately 2-4 times the size of the right lacrimal gland. (this is not the inflamation that was visible on the outside, but internally seen on the scan as white) There is no inflitration of the intra-or extraconal space.

CONCLUSION:
Diffuse englargement and infiltration of the left lacrimal gland. The etiology (cause) is not clear although diagnostic considerations include benign or malignant tumor, or infiltrative pathology such as lymphoma or sarcoid. Sharons additions: OR IT COULD BE A BIG BOOGIE

DRS PLAN OF ACTION:

• Started Prednisone 60 mg 02/17/12 which immediately began to reduce then eliminate swelling (all the antibiotics had no previous effect). Was at this dose two weeks.
• Taper off 10 mg per week. Currently at 40, decreasing every Saturday
• Will have another appointment when I am at 20 mg
• Dr will determine if: 
• another CT is in order OR
• treatment determined on results
• Biopsy – taken by entering in through the middle of the eyelid (oh fun)
• MRI is in order ORMRI is in order OR
• continue meds OR
• ???           
• TREATMENTS: (all depends on results of course)
• Surgery
• Benign Tumor - depends on how much it has made its way around the eye. The Dr. has indicated that it may be too wrapped around the eye to remove without permanent damage to the eye.
• Malignant Tumor – localized radiation, surgery dependent on above
• Lymphoma – well….that will be a whole new something

MY PLAN OF ACTION:

• Prayer over my mind that I not loose it during this process
• Chronicle the journey 
• Stay Focused on His words, promises and visions
• God can & may heal me w/out any further medical intervention I won’t need another dern appointment or drop of meds ever

OTHER ?'S

Has he given any indication what he THINKS it is?
After E.R. Doc, P.A. and Opthomologist misdiagnosed inflammation around the eye as pink eye and then a staph infection, my boss told me to call his opthomologist/surgeon Dr. NC about 2 hours away in SD (where lots of people end up for care because where I live we don’t have the resources).
SO Dr. NC looked at me, looked at the chart and kept shaking his head like he was mad at me lol! I kept thinking he was being a bit irritated and maybe even arrogant but after reflection I realized he wanted to know what was going on and was probably coming up with a plan of action only to see it had already been tried. I remember him telling me that he wanted me to get a couple of tests in his office, then a CT scan. He said something to this effect “after looking at the CT scan I may have you see Dr. RE ( a NeuroOpthomologist)
I was not sure at that point why or what he thought that was and gave absolutely no indication that he thought there was a mass. Later that evening he called me and told me he did have Dr. RE look at the CT and that I was being referred to him. Dr. NC prescribed the steroids which I began the next day and began to decrease the inflammation within hours. I thought YAY it was all gonna be done soon. I had no idea Dr. RE was going to later be talking about possible cancer.

In my mind, I think Dr. NC had a hunch which is why he even mentioned Dr. RE in the first place.

Coincidently – the two of them wrote a book together.

How am I feeling?
I feel completely healthy! I have no more lingering cough, I have no post nasal drip!

Does it hurt?
I have absolutely no pain. Apparently that is not what Dr. RE wanted to hear. He asked if I had pain I said no just some discomfort because…well wouldn’t it be uncomfortable to have something pressing on your eyeball? But NO pain. So when he asked, I was really happy to tell him No pain YAY! He would tell me before the visit was over, that he thought it could just be an infection but it is not acting like an infection because well the antibiotics had no effect, but if it were an infection there would be pain associated. DARN! I ALMOST….ALMOST started praying for pain. One day I actually woke up and had a head ache…..but a head ache is not pain in the eye, and it passed. DARN…..so maybe this boogies is not an infection.

BACKGROUND ON HOW ALL THIS EVEN STARTED

Early Dec. I started off with what everyone seemed to be getting. Colds, flu, yucky winter stuff. I have had chronic bronchitis since I can remember so it was not that big of a surprise to be ill. The only thing is I never seemed to really get FULLY better. I missed several days of work in Dec. Then Jan comes around and I’m not over the cough and constantly with infection coming out of my sinus area and cough. Each day in Jan I seemed to get worse and as I began to try to get into the Drs, they played the whole we have an appointment in 3 weeks thing which is always frustrating. I don’t go to the Dr. often, especially because I never have anything NEW. It’s always the bronchitis. ALWAYS. For years and years and decades, and all they do is give me antibiotics and say rest. So I would say 8/10 times I don’t go to the Dr. and just ride it out. This time was def. different so this is the path :

• Monday ended up going t the E.R. was told Bronchitis, throat infection, sinus infection and …pink eye. I didn’t even know there was an issue w/my eye. I have never had pink eye. I just said o.k. sure and got the meds. 5 day Z pack antibiotics, by Thursday I was feeling amazing! NO cough and little infection!
• Next day, regular Dr. follow up. Nothing done, just follow meds
• A few days later….hmm this pink eye…..eye began swelling
• A few more days….eye is shut when I wake up
• Go see regular Dr (a P.A. actually) who switches the pink eye meds
• The next day, eye is getting worse. I make appt to go see an Opthomologist locally
• Opthomologist – no that’s not pink eye it’s a staph infections. New meds
• A couple of days later….it’s getting worse. Change meds.
• Days later…worse and they just keep changing meds. At this point I had already found out that a staph infection should warrant a blood test, but nothing was ordered
• FINALLY, my boss said GO SEE MY GUY (DR C) IN SAN DIEGO!!
• I saw Dr. CN Friday, started meds on Sat and WITHIN HOURS…my eye was better!!!

If Your law had not been my delight,

Then I would have perished in my affliction

Psalm 119:92

Inflammation is gone :)

The boogie is not really visable

Prednisone love......

Aside from waking up very much feeling like this guy looks…….

Steroids CAN (doesn't mean WILL) make you go through things like this...... (I am ONLY sharing things that I myself have experienced in my head while on Prednisone the past several weeks - everyone is different. These are NOT things I have actually SAID....just feelings....but I walk by FAITH...not by FEELINGS....)

GET OUT OF MY FACE - WHY ARE YOU AVOIDING ME?

STOP LOOKING AT ME - WHY AREN’T YOU LOOKING AT ME

SHUT UP - WHY ARE YOU SO QUIET?

YOU ARE ANNOYING - YOU ARE SO STINKIN’ CUTE!

I’M DONE WITH YOU - I CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF YOU!

I’M GOING TO BE A FEW MINUTES LATE - DON’T MAKE ME WAIT ONE SECOND FOR YOU!

I KILL YOU (not literally and I have never said this o.k. no one get bent out of shape) - I LOVE YOU

I want to karate chop people all the time when they say, do or breathe in a way that I do not like.

I am UNREASONABLY aggrivated, aggitated and any other agg words that apply

DON'T GET ME WRONG....it's not always like this - I'm just sharing the split second happenings of the day...........

Those are just a few things I can think off the top of my head that is spinning ……

WHY GOD WHY?

So what would you do when you are sitting at the Drs office w/your CT scans which read “diffuse englargement and infiltraion of the left lacrimal gland - diagnostic considerations include benign or malignant tumor, or infiltrative pathology such as lymphoma or such as sarcoid.” .......

ugh!!

...shouldn't have done that - I always tell people DON'T GOOGLE IT!!  But I did - and I didn't like what I saw (o.k. now - you do it ) "diffuse enlargement of the left lacrimal gland"

Well.....that just ugly right? O.k. so I knew I was just jumping to conclusions at the ugly lymphoma word, knowing one of my best friends battle with it, NEVER google .....wait for the doctor - WAIT FOR THE DOCTOR!!

 

Sitting with the doctor, one of only a few neuro-opthamologists in the state, as he's reading the CT scan...........

.....and he's reading .....(hey he has cool eye picts on the wall)

.... and he's reading  ...(hey he was in the military? Thank you for your service Doc)

 ........reading...(sheesh there was only 1 page and like 5 lines)

 ......... reading...(maybe the eye doc needs new glasses....hahahah I crack myself up in my head)

and HE IS STILL READING......(I really need to use the bathroom, ...can't he read FASTER!!!)

.......read (OH WAIT HE'S TALKING TO ME SSHHHHHH shush brain he's about to tell me it's all just a boogie......)

.....but what followed was not a conversation about a boogie. It was NOT like the movies where the good doctor first gives you hope with "now let’s NOT jump to any conclusions…..we aren't there yet”. Nope, nothing like that. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the doctor, I think he was completely competent, confident and determined to figure this out – but there was no beating around the bush in what he was telling me, which I completely appreciate - but without getting too much into it - I was originally told I had PINK EYE...now we are talking TUMOR, CANCER? WHAT THE WHAT??? So yah, NO sugar coating for me. He was very clear and matter of fact in preparing me that this is what could happen all the way to localized radiation and then this part of the conversation which made me take a deep breath....

"this thing (I will continue to call it a boogie until further notice) growing around your eye is situated in a way that we may not actually be able to go in and remove it without permanent damage to the eye".........

It’s like this picture….

o.k. now take out just the RED wire w/out disrupting anything else….

 yah...good luck with that doc...

I wanted to find an illustration of what that scan looked like (diff from view above) but I kept finding yucky pictures that looked demonic so I am choosing not to post anything like that but I will give you my impression. As soon as I saw that scan of the boogie I thought “hand of evil”. It made me think of the devils hand palming my eye like a basketball and I could imagine him smiling. Then I punched that thought in the throat (captured that thought) and just moved on......

So what do you do when you leave the doctors office with seven hundred thirty eight questions 5 seconds after the door shuts on you? Normally I would have turn around and gone back in. Hey he was getting paid good dinero and I drove two hours and waited hours for the appointment. But oddly, I just left and wandered onto the streets of S.D. I noticed something begin to well up within me and I was about to do something I had not done in many years. It wasn't cry...... ( I do that all the time). I didn't praise God (Oh no did that Christian JUST say she didn't praise God?) ... Oh..yes, I did say that.  So.....let me share with you what I DID DO...... Me, the seemingly laid back Christian gal who lives her life to encourage others and bring glory to God......... ready for this?

 

Well........I got mad. I got really really really mad. Not mad at the possibility of cancer results, radiation, surgery. I was mad at everyone who has ever wronged me. I was mad because the choices I made years ago were to spend my life with someone who was supposed to be holding my hand through this and they were a punk for not being there. I was mad for everyone who didn't kept a promise to me. I was mad for all those friends and family who said they would always be by my side and when I became the "holy roller" they couldn't separate themselves fast enough from me. Where was everyone while I stood there on a street corner in Hillcrest because the bus driver had just taken my last 3 bucks and failed to tell me it wouldn't take me where I needed to go. I was mad at the weather for not being cold enough, my scarf for being too long and mad at the concrete for being so hard. I think I was literally huffing and puffing as I paced in front of the bus stop looking at my surroundings with all this imagery of everyone who had wronged me poisoning my thoughts. These overwhelming gut wrenching gnashing sickening ugly heart feelings struck my very core and I felt like I could probably spit fire! And that feeling got worse and lasted 

and it lasted ...........

and lasted ......

and lasted........

nearly

three

whole

minutes!!!

Then I said....OK God....I'm done trippin'...... Let's get back to business.

4 1/2 years ago I met a wonderful friend who said she was mad at me for something for like four minutes but got over it because she loved me. I didn't know the love of Jesus that she did, but when I had finally felt His love, I understood how it is very possible to limit the time you give to things. I made a choice never to let anyone or anything have more than 3 minutes of my time being angry. I chose to just love them and forgive them NO MATTER WHAT, just as Jesus loves me and forgives me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a robot, I get my feelings hurt often and get to the breaking point with people and I can't even pray so I reach out and ask for Gods prayer warriors to intervene on my behalf.

O.k. so the three minutes passed and then it was time for the nonsense to stop. It was then that I began to praise God and declare, that NO MATTER WHAT WAS TO COME - I AM ON BOARD! WHATEVER YOUR WILL FATHER, LET IT BE DONE IN ME.

Now, back to business - the business of explaining to people what was going on without freaking people out. Not wanting to lie but wanting to protect them from worry. I am pretty good at NOT worrying, because I know His word tells me to cast my cares on Him. I have such confidence in His Word and so I do all I know how to practice what I learn, and letting Him have control over all my worries took years but I feel I am better at it (not perfect). Each seemingly little trial has prepared how I would handle this one, and this one is preparing me for how I handle the next one.

 

So more business.....why am I posting? I don't know how often, or how many times I might post, but my desire is to dedicate myself to at least cover these things that have been on my heart:

• My side effects of steroids, namely Prednisone. This has altered my thoughts, and I am very aware of it. Last week I began to pray that Gods Holy Spirit be stronger than the drugs effects on my body chemisty & mind. Let it do it's work, and nothing more. I want people to remember that those who are on it, may be talking and feeling things that are completely out of the realm of their normal behavior and I hope to give encouragement for those feeling like the are going just a little bonkers. I AM RIGHT THERE WITH YOU!
• The hopes this could be a simple Orbital Pseudotumor that will just go away w/the steroids I am on (Prednisone)
• Current Medical findings: Diffuse enlargement of the left lacrimal gland
• Wanting to be an encouragement to those also facing a possible cancer diagnosis
• Being a Christian, not a robot, with a possible cancer diagnosis. Being real and not deceiving people that a life in Christ is without trials or full of roses and chocolate.
• Being single and dealing with a possible cancer diagnosis
• To encourage my friend I love so much, who is going through the same thing at the same time

Last year a wonderful sister in Christ said...."I never ask you how you are doing because you are always doing great" - I am glad I was sitting for that one. Are you kidding me? Last week I had a similar conversation where I was told I always seem happy. Well ...I would say I have joy but happiness is based on a happening....and things that happen are not always joyous. However, I have learned so much from Gods precious word about praising God in all situation (and yes I failed on the street that day, but I'm human and He knows that) and I do all I have learned to live in His truth.

"in everything give thanks for this is the will of God in Jesus Christ concerning you" - 1 Thessalonians 5:18.

"and we know that ALL things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose" Romans 8:28

"Rabbi who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind? Jesus answered "Neither this man nor his parents sinned - BUT that the works of God should be revealed in him. I must work the works of Him who sent me" John 9:2-3

The more of Gods word you get in you, the more "armor" you have built up. Without knowing those last scripture, or about Job I could sit in a huge ball of pity (as I have in the past) and easily question WHY GOD WHY? I don't have to ask those questions now when I face trials. His word has given me answers and a peace that passes all understanding.

If I am in this situation, first of all I know it's God approved. Does God give us cancer....I know there is no evil in God so I say no. I know, that God has given the devil the title god (little g) of this earth. I do know that the devil went to TOWN on Job who was BLAMELESS & UPRIGHT in Gods eyes. I do know that God allowed the devil to mess with Job, God approved it of the tampering, God saw it all happening and God did nothing to stop it. That still doesn't make God evil, not in the way God has described evil. Every thing God has fashioned, can be used to bring about the knowledge of Him. Some of those things are unpleasant, seem unfair and harsh - but His words say that ALL THINGS WORK for the good of those who love Him. It doesn't say all things work out to our liking........

So - God knows all about it, and if He knows all about it then He has approved it. And if He has approved it, I'm going to shut up about it because I KNOW, that maybe NOT NOW, but at some point in this journey, it will be used as a blessing. Perhaps NOT even to ME, but for someone else and I'm o.k. with that. I KNOW bad things happen to good people, I KNOW heartbreak and heart ache. I'm not talking biblical fluff, I'm only going to speak from my experiences. It's my testimony NO ONE can refute.
As of right now...I'm just waiting on another Drs. appointment to see if the drugs they have me on is shrinking the booger. I will give an update when I have one in April :) at the next Drs. Appointment/.

"And so dear brothers, I plead with you to give your bodies to God, because of all He has done for you" Romans 12

I am not sure what God has planned for me, for my body - but I know whatever He wants to do through it- I welcome.I love this quote from Dag Hammarskjold  which I use always in conversation to God:

"For all that has been, "Thank you". For all that is to come "YES"