WHY GOD WHY?

So what would you do when you are sitting at the Drs office w/your CT scans which read “diffuse englargement and infiltraion of the left lacrimal gland - diagnostic considerations include benign or malignant tumor, or infiltrative pathology such as lymphoma or such as sarcoid.” .......

ugh!!

...shouldn't have done that - I always tell people DON'T GOOGLE IT!!  But I did - and I didn't like what I saw (o.k. now - you do it ) "diffuse enlargement of the left lacrimal gland"

Well.....that just ugly right? O.k. so I knew I was just jumping to conclusions at the ugly lymphoma word, knowing one of my best friends battle with it, NEVER google .....wait for the doctor - WAIT FOR THE DOCTOR!!

 

Sitting with the doctor, one of only a few neuro-opthamologists in the state, as he's reading the CT scan...........

.....and he's reading .....(hey he has cool eye picts on the wall)

.... and he's reading  ...(hey he was in the military? Thank you for your service Doc)

 ........reading...(sheesh there was only 1 page and like 5 lines)

 ......... reading...(maybe the eye doc needs new glasses....hahahah I crack myself up in my head)

and HE IS STILL READING......(I really need to use the bathroom, ...can't he read FASTER!!!)

.......read (OH WAIT HE'S TALKING TO ME SSHHHHHH shush brain he's about to tell me it's all just a boogie......)

.....but what followed was not a conversation about a boogie. It was NOT like the movies where the good doctor first gives you hope with "now let’s NOT jump to any conclusions…..we aren't there yet”. Nope, nothing like that. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the doctor, I think he was completely competent, confident and determined to figure this out – but there was no beating around the bush in what he was telling me, which I completely appreciate - but without getting too much into it - I was originally told I had PINK EYE...now we are talking TUMOR, CANCER? WHAT THE WHAT??? So yah, NO sugar coating for me. He was very clear and matter of fact in preparing me that this is what could happen all the way to localized radiation and then this part of the conversation which made me take a deep breath....

"this thing (I will continue to call it a boogie until further notice) growing around your eye is situated in a way that we may not actually be able to go in and remove it without permanent damage to the eye".........

It’s like this picture….

o.k. now take out just the RED wire w/out disrupting anything else….

 yah...good luck with that doc...

I wanted to find an illustration of what that scan looked like (diff from view above) but I kept finding yucky pictures that looked demonic so I am choosing not to post anything like that but I will give you my impression. As soon as I saw that scan of the boogie I thought “hand of evil”. It made me think of the devils hand palming my eye like a basketball and I could imagine him smiling. Then I punched that thought in the throat (captured that thought) and just moved on......

So what do you do when you leave the doctors office with seven hundred thirty eight questions 5 seconds after the door shuts on you? Normally I would have turn around and gone back in. Hey he was getting paid good dinero and I drove two hours and waited hours for the appointment. But oddly, I just left and wandered onto the streets of S.D. I noticed something begin to well up within me and I was about to do something I had not done in many years. It wasn't cry...... ( I do that all the time). I didn't praise God (Oh no did that Christian JUST say she didn't praise God?) ... Oh..yes, I did say that.  So.....let me share with you what I DID DO...... Me, the seemingly laid back Christian gal who lives her life to encourage others and bring glory to God......... ready for this?

 

Well........I got mad. I got really really really mad. Not mad at the possibility of cancer results, radiation, surgery. I was mad at everyone who has ever wronged me. I was mad because the choices I made years ago were to spend my life with someone who was supposed to be holding my hand through this and they were a punk for not being there. I was mad for everyone who didn't kept a promise to me. I was mad for all those friends and family who said they would always be by my side and when I became the "holy roller" they couldn't separate themselves fast enough from me. Where was everyone while I stood there on a street corner in Hillcrest because the bus driver had just taken my last 3 bucks and failed to tell me it wouldn't take me where I needed to go. I was mad at the weather for not being cold enough, my scarf for being too long and mad at the concrete for being so hard. I think I was literally huffing and puffing as I paced in front of the bus stop looking at my surroundings with all this imagery of everyone who had wronged me poisoning my thoughts. These overwhelming gut wrenching gnashing sickening ugly heart feelings struck my very core and I felt like I could probably spit fire! And that feeling got worse and lasted 

and it lasted ...........

and lasted ......

and lasted........

nearly

three

whole

minutes!!!

Then I said....OK God....I'm done trippin'...... Let's get back to business.

4 1/2 years ago I met a wonderful friend who said she was mad at me for something for like four minutes but got over it because she loved me. I didn't know the love of Jesus that she did, but when I had finally felt His love, I understood how it is very possible to limit the time you give to things. I made a choice never to let anyone or anything have more than 3 minutes of my time being angry. I chose to just love them and forgive them NO MATTER WHAT, just as Jesus loves me and forgives me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a robot, I get my feelings hurt often and get to the breaking point with people and I can't even pray so I reach out and ask for Gods prayer warriors to intervene on my behalf.

O.k. so the three minutes passed and then it was time for the nonsense to stop. It was then that I began to praise God and declare, that NO MATTER WHAT WAS TO COME - I AM ON BOARD! WHATEVER YOUR WILL FATHER, LET IT BE DONE IN ME.

Now, back to business - the business of explaining to people what was going on without freaking people out. Not wanting to lie but wanting to protect them from worry. I am pretty good at NOT worrying, because I know His word tells me to cast my cares on Him. I have such confidence in His Word and so I do all I know how to practice what I learn, and letting Him have control over all my worries took years but I feel I am better at it (not perfect). Each seemingly little trial has prepared how I would handle this one, and this one is preparing me for how I handle the next one.

 

So more business.....why am I posting? I don't know how often, or how many times I might post, but my desire is to dedicate myself to at least cover these things that have been on my heart:

• My side effects of steroids, namely Prednisone. This has altered my thoughts, and I am very aware of it. Last week I began to pray that Gods Holy Spirit be stronger than the drugs effects on my body chemisty & mind. Let it do it's work, and nothing more. I want people to remember that those who are on it, may be talking and feeling things that are completely out of the realm of their normal behavior and I hope to give encouragement for those feeling like the are going just a little bonkers. I AM RIGHT THERE WITH YOU!
• The hopes this could be a simple Orbital Pseudotumor that will just go away w/the steroids I am on (Prednisone)
• Current Medical findings: Diffuse enlargement of the left lacrimal gland
• Wanting to be an encouragement to those also facing a possible cancer diagnosis
• Being a Christian, not a robot, with a possible cancer diagnosis. Being real and not deceiving people that a life in Christ is without trials or full of roses and chocolate.
• Being single and dealing with a possible cancer diagnosis
• To encourage my friend I love so much, who is going through the same thing at the same time

Last year a wonderful sister in Christ said...."I never ask you how you are doing because you are always doing great" - I am glad I was sitting for that one. Are you kidding me? Last week I had a similar conversation where I was told I always seem happy. Well ...I would say I have joy but happiness is based on a happening....and things that happen are not always joyous. However, I have learned so much from Gods precious word about praising God in all situation (and yes I failed on the street that day, but I'm human and He knows that) and I do all I have learned to live in His truth.

"in everything give thanks for this is the will of God in Jesus Christ concerning you" - 1 Thessalonians 5:18.

"and we know that ALL things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose" Romans 8:28

"Rabbi who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind? Jesus answered "Neither this man nor his parents sinned - BUT that the works of God should be revealed in him. I must work the works of Him who sent me" John 9:2-3

The more of Gods word you get in you, the more "armor" you have built up. Without knowing those last scripture, or about Job I could sit in a huge ball of pity (as I have in the past) and easily question WHY GOD WHY? I don't have to ask those questions now when I face trials. His word has given me answers and a peace that passes all understanding.

If I am in this situation, first of all I know it's God approved. Does God give us cancer....I know there is no evil in God so I say no. I know, that God has given the devil the title god (little g) of this earth. I do know that the devil went to TOWN on Job who was BLAMELESS & UPRIGHT in Gods eyes. I do know that God allowed the devil to mess with Job, God approved it of the tampering, God saw it all happening and God did nothing to stop it. That still doesn't make God evil, not in the way God has described evil. Every thing God has fashioned, can be used to bring about the knowledge of Him. Some of those things are unpleasant, seem unfair and harsh - but His words say that ALL THINGS WORK for the good of those who love Him. It doesn't say all things work out to our liking........

So - God knows all about it, and if He knows all about it then He has approved it. And if He has approved it, I'm going to shut up about it because I KNOW, that maybe NOT NOW, but at some point in this journey, it will be used as a blessing. Perhaps NOT even to ME, but for someone else and I'm o.k. with that. I KNOW bad things happen to good people, I KNOW heartbreak and heart ache. I'm not talking biblical fluff, I'm only going to speak from my experiences. It's my testimony NO ONE can refute.
As of right now...I'm just waiting on another Drs. appointment to see if the drugs they have me on is shrinking the booger. I will give an update when I have one in April :) at the next Drs. Appointment/.

"And so dear brothers, I plead with you to give your bodies to God, because of all He has done for you" Romans 12

I am not sure what God has planned for me, for my body - but I know whatever He wants to do through it- I welcome.I love this quote from Dag Hammarskjold  which I use always in conversation to God:

"For all that has been, "Thank you". For all that is to come "YES"