WHEN GOD SEEMS INACTIVE

I have a friend who is taking steps to walk away from God because their present situation feels as though God has gone silent.

I so know this one.

I just want to encourage anyone who might be facing a season of isolation to remember Gods promises that He will never leave you nor forsake you. He never promises you will always be able to hear Him.

If He says He won't leave you, then He won't.

He may be silent.
He may seem inactive.

It may FEEL like you are alone, but we walk by faith and not by sight.

Disappointment

This was written a few years ago.

It's sad when you work hard at something and it fails. I don't like speaking failure, but I can admit when things don't turn out how I planned.

It's sad.....just so sad. I guess the reality is that I am not what I might have to be, in order for this to have turned out right.

I did what everyone suggested.

I even wrote down a few notes along the way so I wouldn't forget.

Yet I sit here, with the reality....that this thing just didn't work out. It wasn't supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be amazing, but it wasn’t – far from it.

Some of you can guess what I'm talking about, because some of you I share my most intimate stories. For those of you who don’t know, I invite you to my disappointment.

Today, I tried to make arroz con gandules ( Puerto Rican style). All I ended up making - was mushy rice stuff.

It's just so sad.

I looked up all kinds of recipes, bought the right ingredients and yet...I sit with a pot full of "nothing special rice mush".

I have felt this since I was young – maybe I am not meant to be in the kitchen. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t make Puerto Rican Rice. MAYBE! Maybe because I'm not Puerto Rican? Maybe I shouldn’t expect to make it "their" way. BUT,.....well I can't make Mexican rice either, so what is that saying? ( I also have no natural Latin rhythm, so IDK)

I used whole wheat rice, could that have been it? IDK It's just sad.

I was so sure this first baby step was going to lead to monumental events in the kitchen. I had made sofrito, but - well there was little glory in that because it's kind of hard to screw up a bunch of chopped up vegetables!

Whatever.

I better go now....because I have a whole pot of rice I have to find some way to eat.

God bless us! EVERY ONE!

UPDATE – To this day, I have never made a good pot of rice. But I still will make it. Using brown rice is perhaps the issue, but it’s a choice. I learned how to make pernil, which is more involved than dumb rice.

STUTTERING, THE SHAKES & I CAN'T THINK RIGHT NOW - MORE PREDNISONE ADVENTURES

THE SHAKES

A while ago someone told my friend, they thought I was shakey, but I don't think it was meant to be in a positive way. Well....today they would be correct by definition because I noticed a little last week but very much so this weekend - I'm shaking. I was putting on lip stick while my friend & I played make-up last night and I could not stand to see the vibration. It wasn't violent, but at only fourty - I don't want to shake. I looked up the possible side effect of Prednisone and shaking seems to occur more when you are tapering, as I am doing now presently at 30mg. I didn't know this was a side effect. I'm glad I'm not just....well shakey.

STUTTERING

I noticed more than 2 weeks ago I started stuttering. Not constantly, but noticably for someone who has never stuttered.  I looked up side effects of Presnisone and yes, stuttering is on the list as well when tapering. I haven't been able to pinpoint when it happens or why. Like is it breathing related, subject related, length of sentance, frustration? I don't know. It doesn't always happen and I  try to move on with my sentance, as if I don't try to notice it, then it's not really happening. Up until this weekend, not one ever caught it so I was glad of that because, well I really don't know why. I did a lot of talking this weekend with my friends though, and there was no hiding it so, cats out of the bag.

UHMMMM....HUH?

Overused phrases from me the past couple of weeks "I can't think right now", "I don't know right now",  "I can't remember".  The truth is, I'm not sure of a lot of things right now. I sometimes imagine what the thing is I want to say but can't get it out. Sometimes it is truley a blank. Sometimes I know if I just get a trigger image or phrase it will come to me. Frustrating. Confusion is a possible side effect of Prednisone.

MY COMFORTI feel like this most days. Just buried in His compassionate understanding beauty. I don't really have a lot of words (YES ME) and sometimes just am crying to Him. I spent a lot of time praising last night as I was driving through the mountains with snow coming down ugly around my lil Civic. I was laughing, smiling and at complete peace just like this picture. I wasn't scared, anxious, or worried about the circumstances. I was just singing out to Him.

I take comfort also knowing, this is not in vein. I know not everyone will "get" this blog - it's not meant for them. I commit all I do to Gods glory and His work through me.

"All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too."
2 Corinthians 1:3-7 (from The Message)

I will trust Him?

This is a really old post but I hava a friend dealing with something that made me remember it so I thought I would repost. I know so many people who feel like they are utterly foresaken by God because of what they are going through. It's easy to feel we won't be able to recover when we look at the mangled mess.  God see's what we can't and when we finally get that, there is a peace that can't be explained. I reread it and realized I needed this refreshing for myself as well. So here is the repost:

 I finally understand this scripture "Though He slay (strike down, allow destruction ) me, yet I will trust Him” Job 13:5

God allowed my best friend and love (ex-husband) to be taken from me. God then became my best friend and provided me with the greatest love of my life – Himself!

Though he slay me, yet I will trust him.

He allows people who said they love me, make fun of me behind my back as I became a Christian. He brought new people into my life who love me unconditionally and accept my passion for Christ.

 Though he slay me, yet I will trust him.

He took me from a life where I had an abundance of “stuff” to a life where I live check to check. In this place, I get to see Him glorified every time He comes through to provide what I need.

Though he slay me, yet I will trust him.

He took my dreams and goals of what I wanted to accomplish in life and said DENIED! Then showed me what His will was for me to be.

Though he slay me, yet I will trust him.

If I didn’t have a relationship with Christ, I would say (and I’m sure many worldly people would agree) that God is unjust. I could question, why bad things happen to good people. I could want revenge against those who have hurt me. I could be bitter, spiteful and miserable for the rest of my life. I could carry hatred to my death bed. However, when I learned the love of God I learned compassion beyond what I could have ever given anyone before. I learned to hate the sin, not the sinner. I learned to pray for those who come against me and hurt me. I learned to forgive and really mean it. I learned to leave my cares, worry, sorrow, anger, pain and foolishness at the cross. I learned to take Gods yoke upon me and live in the peace he offers. I learned that it is so not about me. It’s about Him. It’s about praising Him. It’s about being in His will for my life. It is about trusting that He knows best.

If He never gives me another chance at love, I will still trust Him, love Him and Praise Him.

If He never gives me the children I have seen in my heart, I will still trust Him, love Him and Praise Him.

If the people I love still talk about me behind my back, I will still trust Him, love Him and Praise Him.

If I live check to check the rest of my life, I will still trust Him, love Him and Praise Him.

If I loose all that I have left, I will still trust Him, love Him and Praise Him.

I was wounded and suffered severely, but I will still trust Him, love Him and Praise Him.

All my life and love plans were destroyed, and I looked like a total failure, but I still say “your will Father, not mine”

I have been humiliated and been told of the people who smile at me as they are twisting the daggers in my back deeper. I pray for them and love them still.

I have been down to $20 with no idea what would come next, but I believed and saw Him provide my every need.

I have had no food in my home, but He provided an invitation from someone to eat with them.


In between each glory, God takes me through things that make me feel like I am going to die. A piercing so intense that I feel I’m being cut off from Him, but I know he is just pruning away the nonsense in my life.

 Though he slay me, yet I will trust him.

God I am broke - but I will still trust you, love you and praise you!

God my heart was destroyed - but I will still trust you, love you and praise you!

God I don’t know what is going to happen but I will still trust you, love you and praise you!

God I am determined to get so stubborn in your word that I am going to laugh in the face of adversary. I am going to keep praising You and building our relationship. God, I am going to stand so strong in your word, not even all of hell coming against me at once will make me move and inch. I am going to stay so safe in your loving arms. I trust that you are going to bring me out of anything you allow me to go through. God, I won’t flinch, I won’t break and I won’t retaliate against anyone, because I know the battle is not mine, it is yours, and you have already overcome! I trust your ways are greater than mine, and that you have plans to prosper and not harm me. I believe that I am the apple of your eye. I believe you, everything you say and show me, I believe. You are not a man that you should lie, nor the son of man that you should change your mind. No matter how bad the situation gets, Lord I will never question your sovereignty. I know it is not my place to worry about things or try to work out the trials I face. I know you don’t want me sweating things out, you want me to enjoy life and watch you work.

God - I have done some things that you don’t like, but I know you died to erase all of that and you won’t ever throw it in my face.

God – you have done things that I don’t like but I still love you and call you my Lord.

God – you could have brought my husband back, my stuff back and my old life back, but I know that YOU KNOW what and who is best for me and I can thank you for taking me from a life that was never intended for me.

God at times when I thought you were going to give me something I felt I deserved, you said no and didn’t say why, but I still love you and call you my everything.

God sometimes I want something and feel I should have it but can’t afford it, then I see someone not living to serve you, get it. I still love you and call you my Lord and thank you for what you give me and also for the things you don't let me have!

God I know you have the power to fix all my problems, but you don’t. I still love you and trust that you know what is best for me.

If I don’t’ ever get the money I need, the husband I want, the child I see in my life, God I will still call you my bet friend and love and praise you.

I won’t use you to manipulate situations to get what I want. I love you just because you deserve it. I won’t do good in my life just because I think you are going to bless me if I do. This is not a give and take relationship. You made me to love you and worship you and that is all I want to do and the only reason I want to do it. Lord please cleanse my heart if there is anything in me that will lift a finger to do a deed that is pleasing to my flesh only and not in your will for my life. Lord convict me of the thoughts to do that which does not glorify you.

*********
I just heard a sermon and these were the thoughts that came from my heart out of that.

Prednisone in pictures

I started at 60 mgs for two weeks, but have gone down 10 mgs each Saturday. This Sat I will taper down to 30mgs

Week 1-4....non stop. It has gotten better this week.

IF you are easily grossed out Stop reading NOW & skip to next picture

.....I have eaten about five bajillion salads...(but trust me it's not all healthy) but I try to get nutrients in...even though a lovely side effect is that nothing stays inside my body longer than a half hour.....TMI but I'm being real about the effects the drug it's having on me. It doesn't matter if I eat salad or pizza, the "outcome" is the same and fast and well eating has become my nemisis. I always have to think if I'm gonna drive somewhere, that I know all the stops. Living in a house w/3 adults one bathroom - not a good thing!! It is exhausting. At least one positive is that I don't feel naucious at all, no stomache pains.

Week 1-2 I'm SO HOT!

My feet and hands feel like they can shoot fire! I felt like Drew Barrymore in Firestarter. I also had tingling in my hands and feet the first two weeks.

Week 2-3 I'm noticing my thoughts are a little.....well not very clear

I have to keep writing stuff down before expressing them because I'm not sure if it's me or the roids, but I think I'm getting better. I think I'm just more emotional and unreasonable right now, I end up feeling very convicted after certain conversations.

Week 2 Mind spinning, Feel like this is what ADD would feel like

To be honest..I think I was a lot like this before anyhow.

Week 2 to present Pretty Mean....

. Not all the time, but it could happen in a split second and last for seconds. I never actually lashed at anyone...but inside my head - I should be in jail....

Week 2 to present

To present but not as bad..........but I do at times feel like a yucky mean ugly creature

CURRENT PLAN OF ACTION, CT RESULTS & ?'S

So I am getting good ?’s and I thought I would try to answer them all in one shot. The following is the CT resutls, the Drs. current plan of action followed by other ?’s I’ve received.

CT SCAN RESULTS

  

INDICATIONS: (reason for CT Scan)
Orbital swelling, w/out response to antiobiotics. (the Dr. said later it may have been an infection, causing a blocked tear duct, causing inflammation)

FINDINGS:
The left orbital swelling (which went away day 1 of meds) and left orbital mass (which looks like it is cupping my eyeball) is secondary to what appears to be diffuse enlargement and infiltration of the left lacrimal gland.

The left lacrimal gland is approximately 2-4 times the size of the right lacrimal gland. (this is not the inflamation that was visible on the outside, but internally seen on the scan as white) There is no inflitration of the intra-or extraconal space.

CONCLUSION:
Diffuse englargement and infiltration of the left lacrimal gland. The etiology (cause) is not clear although diagnostic considerations include benign or malignant tumor, or infiltrative pathology such as lymphoma or sarcoid. Sharons additions: OR IT COULD BE A BIG BOOGIE

DRS PLAN OF ACTION:

• Started Prednisone 60 mg 02/17/12 which immediately began to reduce then eliminate swelling (all the antibiotics had no previous effect). Was at this dose two weeks.
• Taper off 10 mg per week. Currently at 40, decreasing every Saturday
• Will have another appointment when I am at 20 mg
• Dr will determine if: 
• another CT is in order OR
• treatment determined on results
• Biopsy – taken by entering in through the middle of the eyelid (oh fun)
• MRI is in order ORMRI is in order OR
• continue meds OR
• ???           
• TREATMENTS: (all depends on results of course)
• Surgery
• Benign Tumor - depends on how much it has made its way around the eye. The Dr. has indicated that it may be too wrapped around the eye to remove without permanent damage to the eye.
• Malignant Tumor – localized radiation, surgery dependent on above
• Lymphoma – well….that will be a whole new something

MY PLAN OF ACTION:

• Prayer over my mind that I not loose it during this process
• Chronicle the journey 
• Stay Focused on His words, promises and visions
• God can & may heal me w/out any further medical intervention I won’t need another dern appointment or drop of meds ever

OTHER ?'S

Has he given any indication what he THINKS it is?
After E.R. Doc, P.A. and Opthomologist misdiagnosed inflammation around the eye as pink eye and then a staph infection, my boss told me to call his opthomologist/surgeon Dr. NC about 2 hours away in SD (where lots of people end up for care because where I live we don’t have the resources).
SO Dr. NC looked at me, looked at the chart and kept shaking his head like he was mad at me lol! I kept thinking he was being a bit irritated and maybe even arrogant but after reflection I realized he wanted to know what was going on and was probably coming up with a plan of action only to see it had already been tried. I remember him telling me that he wanted me to get a couple of tests in his office, then a CT scan. He said something to this effect “after looking at the CT scan I may have you see Dr. RE ( a NeuroOpthomologist)
I was not sure at that point why or what he thought that was and gave absolutely no indication that he thought there was a mass. Later that evening he called me and told me he did have Dr. RE look at the CT and that I was being referred to him. Dr. NC prescribed the steroids which I began the next day and began to decrease the inflammation within hours. I thought YAY it was all gonna be done soon. I had no idea Dr. RE was going to later be talking about possible cancer.

In my mind, I think Dr. NC had a hunch which is why he even mentioned Dr. RE in the first place.

Coincidently – the two of them wrote a book together.

How am I feeling?
I feel completely healthy! I have no more lingering cough, I have no post nasal drip!

Does it hurt?
I have absolutely no pain. Apparently that is not what Dr. RE wanted to hear. He asked if I had pain I said no just some discomfort because…well wouldn’t it be uncomfortable to have something pressing on your eyeball? But NO pain. So when he asked, I was really happy to tell him No pain YAY! He would tell me before the visit was over, that he thought it could just be an infection but it is not acting like an infection because well the antibiotics had no effect, but if it were an infection there would be pain associated. DARN! I ALMOST….ALMOST started praying for pain. One day I actually woke up and had a head ache…..but a head ache is not pain in the eye, and it passed. DARN…..so maybe this boogies is not an infection.

BACKGROUND ON HOW ALL THIS EVEN STARTED

Early Dec. I started off with what everyone seemed to be getting. Colds, flu, yucky winter stuff. I have had chronic bronchitis since I can remember so it was not that big of a surprise to be ill. The only thing is I never seemed to really get FULLY better. I missed several days of work in Dec. Then Jan comes around and I’m not over the cough and constantly with infection coming out of my sinus area and cough. Each day in Jan I seemed to get worse and as I began to try to get into the Drs, they played the whole we have an appointment in 3 weeks thing which is always frustrating. I don’t go to the Dr. often, especially because I never have anything NEW. It’s always the bronchitis. ALWAYS. For years and years and decades, and all they do is give me antibiotics and say rest. So I would say 8/10 times I don’t go to the Dr. and just ride it out. This time was def. different so this is the path :

• Monday ended up going t the E.R. was told Bronchitis, throat infection, sinus infection and …pink eye. I didn’t even know there was an issue w/my eye. I have never had pink eye. I just said o.k. sure and got the meds. 5 day Z pack antibiotics, by Thursday I was feeling amazing! NO cough and little infection!
• Next day, regular Dr. follow up. Nothing done, just follow meds
• A few days later….hmm this pink eye…..eye began swelling
• A few more days….eye is shut when I wake up
• Go see regular Dr (a P.A. actually) who switches the pink eye meds
• The next day, eye is getting worse. I make appt to go see an Opthomologist locally
• Opthomologist – no that’s not pink eye it’s a staph infections. New meds
• A couple of days later….it’s getting worse. Change meds.
• Days later…worse and they just keep changing meds. At this point I had already found out that a staph infection should warrant a blood test, but nothing was ordered
• FINALLY, my boss said GO SEE MY GUY (DR C) IN SAN DIEGO!!
• I saw Dr. CN Friday, started meds on Sat and WITHIN HOURS…my eye was better!!!

If Your law had not been my delight,

Then I would have perished in my affliction

Psalm 119:92

Inflammation is gone :)

The boogie is not really visable

Prednisone love......

Aside from waking up very much feeling like this guy looks…….

Steroids CAN (doesn't mean WILL) make you go through things like this...... (I am ONLY sharing things that I myself have experienced in my head while on Prednisone the past several weeks - everyone is different. These are NOT things I have actually SAID....just feelings....but I walk by FAITH...not by FEELINGS....)

GET OUT OF MY FACE - WHY ARE YOU AVOIDING ME?

STOP LOOKING AT ME - WHY AREN’T YOU LOOKING AT ME

SHUT UP - WHY ARE YOU SO QUIET?

YOU ARE ANNOYING - YOU ARE SO STINKIN’ CUTE!

I’M DONE WITH YOU - I CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF YOU!

I’M GOING TO BE A FEW MINUTES LATE - DON’T MAKE ME WAIT ONE SECOND FOR YOU!

I KILL YOU (not literally and I have never said this o.k. no one get bent out of shape) - I LOVE YOU

I want to karate chop people all the time when they say, do or breathe in a way that I do not like.

I am UNREASONABLY aggrivated, aggitated and any other agg words that apply

DON'T GET ME WRONG....it's not always like this - I'm just sharing the split second happenings of the day...........

Those are just a few things I can think off the top of my head that is spinning ……

WHY GOD WHY?

So what would you do when you are sitting at the Drs office w/your CT scans which read “diffuse englargement and infiltraion of the left lacrimal gland - diagnostic considerations include benign or malignant tumor, or infiltrative pathology such as lymphoma or such as sarcoid.” .......

ugh!!

...shouldn't have done that - I always tell people DON'T GOOGLE IT!!  But I did - and I didn't like what I saw (o.k. now - you do it ) "diffuse enlargement of the left lacrimal gland"

Well.....that just ugly right? O.k. so I knew I was just jumping to conclusions at the ugly lymphoma word, knowing one of my best friends battle with it, NEVER google .....wait for the doctor - WAIT FOR THE DOCTOR!!

 

Sitting with the doctor, one of only a few neuro-opthamologists in the state, as he's reading the CT scan...........

.....and he's reading .....(hey he has cool eye picts on the wall)

.... and he's reading  ...(hey he was in the military? Thank you for your service Doc)

 ........reading...(sheesh there was only 1 page and like 5 lines)

 ......... reading...(maybe the eye doc needs new glasses....hahahah I crack myself up in my head)

and HE IS STILL READING......(I really need to use the bathroom, ...can't he read FASTER!!!)

.......read (OH WAIT HE'S TALKING TO ME SSHHHHHH shush brain he's about to tell me it's all just a boogie......)

.....but what followed was not a conversation about a boogie. It was NOT like the movies where the good doctor first gives you hope with "now let’s NOT jump to any conclusions…..we aren't there yet”. Nope, nothing like that. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the doctor, I think he was completely competent, confident and determined to figure this out – but there was no beating around the bush in what he was telling me, which I completely appreciate - but without getting too much into it - I was originally told I had PINK EYE...now we are talking TUMOR, CANCER? WHAT THE WHAT??? So yah, NO sugar coating for me. He was very clear and matter of fact in preparing me that this is what could happen all the way to localized radiation and then this part of the conversation which made me take a deep breath....

"this thing (I will continue to call it a boogie until further notice) growing around your eye is situated in a way that we may not actually be able to go in and remove it without permanent damage to the eye".........

It’s like this picture….

o.k. now take out just the RED wire w/out disrupting anything else….

 yah...good luck with that doc...

I wanted to find an illustration of what that scan looked like (diff from view above) but I kept finding yucky pictures that looked demonic so I am choosing not to post anything like that but I will give you my impression. As soon as I saw that scan of the boogie I thought “hand of evil”. It made me think of the devils hand palming my eye like a basketball and I could imagine him smiling. Then I punched that thought in the throat (captured that thought) and just moved on......

So what do you do when you leave the doctors office with seven hundred thirty eight questions 5 seconds after the door shuts on you? Normally I would have turn around and gone back in. Hey he was getting paid good dinero and I drove two hours and waited hours for the appointment. But oddly, I just left and wandered onto the streets of S.D. I noticed something begin to well up within me and I was about to do something I had not done in many years. It wasn't cry...... ( I do that all the time). I didn't praise God (Oh no did that Christian JUST say she didn't praise God?) ... Oh..yes, I did say that.  So.....let me share with you what I DID DO...... Me, the seemingly laid back Christian gal who lives her life to encourage others and bring glory to God......... ready for this?

 

Well........I got mad. I got really really really mad. Not mad at the possibility of cancer results, radiation, surgery. I was mad at everyone who has ever wronged me. I was mad because the choices I made years ago were to spend my life with someone who was supposed to be holding my hand through this and they were a punk for not being there. I was mad for everyone who didn't kept a promise to me. I was mad for all those friends and family who said they would always be by my side and when I became the "holy roller" they couldn't separate themselves fast enough from me. Where was everyone while I stood there on a street corner in Hillcrest because the bus driver had just taken my last 3 bucks and failed to tell me it wouldn't take me where I needed to go. I was mad at the weather for not being cold enough, my scarf for being too long and mad at the concrete for being so hard. I think I was literally huffing and puffing as I paced in front of the bus stop looking at my surroundings with all this imagery of everyone who had wronged me poisoning my thoughts. These overwhelming gut wrenching gnashing sickening ugly heart feelings struck my very core and I felt like I could probably spit fire! And that feeling got worse and lasted 

and it lasted ...........

and lasted ......

and lasted........

nearly

three

whole

minutes!!!

Then I said....OK God....I'm done trippin'...... Let's get back to business.

4 1/2 years ago I met a wonderful friend who said she was mad at me for something for like four minutes but got over it because she loved me. I didn't know the love of Jesus that she did, but when I had finally felt His love, I understood how it is very possible to limit the time you give to things. I made a choice never to let anyone or anything have more than 3 minutes of my time being angry. I chose to just love them and forgive them NO MATTER WHAT, just as Jesus loves me and forgives me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a robot, I get my feelings hurt often and get to the breaking point with people and I can't even pray so I reach out and ask for Gods prayer warriors to intervene on my behalf.

O.k. so the three minutes passed and then it was time for the nonsense to stop. It was then that I began to praise God and declare, that NO MATTER WHAT WAS TO COME - I AM ON BOARD! WHATEVER YOUR WILL FATHER, LET IT BE DONE IN ME.

Now, back to business - the business of explaining to people what was going on without freaking people out. Not wanting to lie but wanting to protect them from worry. I am pretty good at NOT worrying, because I know His word tells me to cast my cares on Him. I have such confidence in His Word and so I do all I know how to practice what I learn, and letting Him have control over all my worries took years but I feel I am better at it (not perfect). Each seemingly little trial has prepared how I would handle this one, and this one is preparing me for how I handle the next one.

 

So more business.....why am I posting? I don't know how often, or how many times I might post, but my desire is to dedicate myself to at least cover these things that have been on my heart:

• My side effects of steroids, namely Prednisone. This has altered my thoughts, and I am very aware of it. Last week I began to pray that Gods Holy Spirit be stronger than the drugs effects on my body chemisty & mind. Let it do it's work, and nothing more. I want people to remember that those who are on it, may be talking and feeling things that are completely out of the realm of their normal behavior and I hope to give encouragement for those feeling like the are going just a little bonkers. I AM RIGHT THERE WITH YOU!
• The hopes this could be a simple Orbital Pseudotumor that will just go away w/the steroids I am on (Prednisone)
• Current Medical findings: Diffuse enlargement of the left lacrimal gland
• Wanting to be an encouragement to those also facing a possible cancer diagnosis
• Being a Christian, not a robot, with a possible cancer diagnosis. Being real and not deceiving people that a life in Christ is without trials or full of roses and chocolate.
• Being single and dealing with a possible cancer diagnosis
• To encourage my friend I love so much, who is going through the same thing at the same time

Last year a wonderful sister in Christ said...."I never ask you how you are doing because you are always doing great" - I am glad I was sitting for that one. Are you kidding me? Last week I had a similar conversation where I was told I always seem happy. Well ...I would say I have joy but happiness is based on a happening....and things that happen are not always joyous. However, I have learned so much from Gods precious word about praising God in all situation (and yes I failed on the street that day, but I'm human and He knows that) and I do all I have learned to live in His truth.

"in everything give thanks for this is the will of God in Jesus Christ concerning you" - 1 Thessalonians 5:18.

"and we know that ALL things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose" Romans 8:28

"Rabbi who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind? Jesus answered "Neither this man nor his parents sinned - BUT that the works of God should be revealed in him. I must work the works of Him who sent me" John 9:2-3

The more of Gods word you get in you, the more "armor" you have built up. Without knowing those last scripture, or about Job I could sit in a huge ball of pity (as I have in the past) and easily question WHY GOD WHY? I don't have to ask those questions now when I face trials. His word has given me answers and a peace that passes all understanding.

If I am in this situation, first of all I know it's God approved. Does God give us cancer....I know there is no evil in God so I say no. I know, that God has given the devil the title god (little g) of this earth. I do know that the devil went to TOWN on Job who was BLAMELESS & UPRIGHT in Gods eyes. I do know that God allowed the devil to mess with Job, God approved it of the tampering, God saw it all happening and God did nothing to stop it. That still doesn't make God evil, not in the way God has described evil. Every thing God has fashioned, can be used to bring about the knowledge of Him. Some of those things are unpleasant, seem unfair and harsh - but His words say that ALL THINGS WORK for the good of those who love Him. It doesn't say all things work out to our liking........

So - God knows all about it, and if He knows all about it then He has approved it. And if He has approved it, I'm going to shut up about it because I KNOW, that maybe NOT NOW, but at some point in this journey, it will be used as a blessing. Perhaps NOT even to ME, but for someone else and I'm o.k. with that. I KNOW bad things happen to good people, I KNOW heartbreak and heart ache. I'm not talking biblical fluff, I'm only going to speak from my experiences. It's my testimony NO ONE can refute.
As of right now...I'm just waiting on another Drs. appointment to see if the drugs they have me on is shrinking the booger. I will give an update when I have one in April :) at the next Drs. Appointment/.

"And so dear brothers, I plead with you to give your bodies to God, because of all He has done for you" Romans 12

I am not sure what God has planned for me, for my body - but I know whatever He wants to do through it- I welcome.I love this quote from Dag Hammarskjold  which I use always in conversation to God:

"For all that has been, "Thank you". For all that is to come "YES"