You never know what He has for your each day!!

Waking up this morning I had no idea I was going to have such a great day! Went to work for a couple of hours, came home and mom drove me up to my NeuroOpthamologist appointment in SD to check on Jean-Paul Sarcoid (AKA my tumor). My Nina and Tia came along for the ride. I texted a friend I met on a Christian  site (non-dating site) years ago and have been friends with "offline" and we met face to face for the ...1st time today! It felt as if we had known each other forever!! She went with me to my appointment and on our way to dinner without thinking twice about it (which anyone who knows me knows I OVER OVER OVER think things) I texted my ex brother in law who had been wanting to see me. I never wanted to reopen doors to the past ( some of you understand what that is like) and even though he wanted to see me I have been keeping my distance. God put that in my heart and gave me a sister in Christ who kept me spiritually grounded and it was a blessed time! I am still shocked. It went amazingly well and I am just grateful to God for all the days blessings! And while all this was going on in San Diego and I was away form my computer my friend helped me out by getting me registered for school! Got to read a chapter in the car and started my essay proposal due tonight!! Came home knocked out that test!! Thanks to Mom for driving, lunch and waiting while I spent time with my friends. God is good! I am truly blessed!!! Happy Happy Happy! 

 

It's getting bigger

People keep saying my eye looks better........   I beg to differ. Yes the surgical scar is healing and for the 1st time in a while, I have a crease again (albeit surgeon made). However now when I feel underneath my eye, I can feel even more growth which I didn't feel before.  I can feel the original mass now getting hard where before it felt a bit flexible. I keep thinking today is the morning it will be gone, today is the day I get a miracle. I was thinking I'll be feeling pretty stupid for chopping off my hair to cover the eye. Daily I pray, daily I praise God and I'm in the Word - sometimes I have to fight every bad thought to do it - but I do it. This is hard, harder than being abandoned after 17 year - way harder. Harder than dealing with the aftermath of childhood molestation - way harder. Why? I have not a clue. I have prayed for answers. Perhaps I'm not seeing what God wants me to see or perhaps the visions I thought were from God are twisted. Whatever it is I have been long past ready to receive whatever God is trying to show me through this, yet no answers are coming. Still I seek it, knocking and pounding I'm after whatever it is. I never thought I was pretty, but now I feel like a monster, especially around children whose honesty comes through in their reactions when they see me. Sometimes I feel like this is punishment for vanity, but it's just a feeling and I don't truly believe my God works that way. I have to constantly fight off those thoughts. I'm tired of being tired because of medication. I am tired of well-meaning people throwing water rings at me (pep talks and scriptures) and hitting me over the head making me feel as if I am sinking even more rather than staying afloat. I wish people, especially Christians, would understand there are times when people just need prayer and encouragement. I know I am not perfect. I have never claimed to be. The things that people say, lead me to believe not everyone is spirit-led in their speech or responses because my Father knows what my heart can take and what will be of effect. The moment we assume we know what others need, and do not let the spirit lead, is when we start playing God.  I am sure I am guilty of it, and this is a lesson well noted and learned on letting the spirit lead. I am grateful for all those who have been there for me in prayer because that is what I need above anything. I want this trial or season to be over but it is not and it is a daily struggle that is far greater than I share. I am still playing the waiting game, up to six more weeks till there are answers as to what I have. I still have to go in for a chest X-ray. I have learned so much about the medical industry from a patient's point of view and  I believe it will help me later on. For now, I just have to remember all the things I've had to endure and put up with. Last week, on one of my darkest days, my friend Chan (like Shawn) was recapping my life and all the things I have been through since 2007 and said " and Shar can you imagine having gone through all this without Jesus as your Savior?"  Oh man, I don't want to imagine any of this without Jesus, my Father, or the Holy Spirit. This is hard but are you kidding me with that? My Father knows this suffering a million times over. Jesus has been going through this with me and already knows the end. Without Him, I could not endure this.

Surgery

The doctor had to mark where they planned to cut & his initials!

 

B & M keeping me laughing.

Looks like a good stitch job. No pain, no nausea :) Currently recovering

Praying they didn't cut into the lacrimal gland and that I still have my tears.

BIOPSY RESULTS: 

Lots of words I had to google but from a preliminary yes/no type test it does not appear to be lymphoma. HOWEVER it is not an official diagnosis. Official results will be in 6-8 weeks (yay - we like waiting don't we?) Anyhow....the 2nd thing they considered was Sarcoidosis which is inflammation in the lymph nodes. Well they DID find granulomas (clumps of immune cells) which is seen in sarcoidosis HOWEVER they found NECROTIZING granulomas which rules out sacoidosis and now goes into a different possible diagnosis of Tuberculosis which they are sending me to get a chest X-ray for. Normally a skin/blood test can make that call but the steroids I am (YES STILL ON AND ON FOR AT LEAST ANOTHER MONTH) can cause a negative result. SOOOOOO..........they still don't know WHAT I have but in 6-8 weeks they will have matched it up with something in their medical books - UNLESS OF COURSE I am being blessed w/something completely new which they will name after me :) "ah dude sorry to hear you got Sharonosis" SO...until further notice - keep praying :)

DAY 2 POST-OP

POST OP DAY 3

The Hunt for Shark

After yet another disappointing blow from the doctor last week. I left his office determined I would not fall apart, and that I was going to go about what I had planned for the rest of that day - grab a chocolate ice cream from Hotel Del Coronado and have a walk along Coronado Island beach before the two-hour descent down the mountain back to the valley where I live.  At the beach, I kicked off my shoes, rolled up my jeans to my knees, and started to walk along the water to enjoy the cool waves roll over my feet. I watched the small waves come in and out, covering my feet and splashing onto me. I hope I never grow too old to enjoy this.  I started looking at shells and was on what seemed to be a fruitless pursuit of shark teeth UNTIL… I began to pretend that ANYTHING triangular-shaped was in fact - a sharks tooth! I then excitedly began my sandy collection! I love sharks…but that’s another story.

As the small waves would recede back into the ocean they would wash off a layer of sand, uncovering a new sampling of prospective “sharks teeth”. However, before I had the opportunity to grab a potential gem, the water would come crashing back and wash it away or cover it with sand. After a few times, I just stood there. I was no longer at the beach, no longer on the island, no longer feeling the water – I was clearly in His presence and I just stood there and allowed him to share His love with me. The doctor's bad news was finally far from my mind.

Our problems, like these fresh batches of shells the waves unveil, come and go so quickly. What are shells? They may have once housed a living creature. Something that was conceived, grew, lived, and then died. A shell is all that is left. Our trials, when conceived, seem to have no ending date. As problems grow, they seem to attach to us and become this permanent fixture we carry wherever we go.  However, there are seasons for all things, and at some point, our trials end. When that trial dies and is over we can cast off what we carried around for so long. I saw all these beautiful shells that the water had yet to reach. They were all clumped together and I saw them as the remnants of hundreds of trials which proceeded my present one but were now long over. How silly to think that this current situation I face, is any bigger to God than any of the other ones from the past? The water (oh I love this) comes in and unveils a fresh batch of trials (shells) He has just taken people through.

 “So go on baby girl. Enjoy your time at the beach. I can make even the remains of trials, into something wonderful. Go collect your “sharks teeth”.

Pseudo tumor - WHAT they are calling it this week......

 

      Orbital pseudotumor is a non-specific inflammation of orbital tissues. It tends to be unilateral and accounts for 25% of all cases of unilateral exophthalmos. It can be remitting or chronic and progressive. It may spontaneously regress or respond to steroids. It involves predominantly the tissues immediately behind the globe.

The scleral margin often appears thickened due to inflammatory edema of the sclera and fluid within Tenon's space. Pseudotumor is an infiltrative process and usually involves both the extraconal and intraconal spaces. It appears on CT scan as areas of soft tissue density with poorly defined margins.

      The earliest changes of pseudotumor may be subtle edema of the retrobulbar fat. MR imaging with fat suppression may be the most sensitive method for detecting these early changes. Orbital myositis refers to solitary involvement of one of the extraocular muscles, usually the inferior rectus. Sometimes, pseudotumor will appear as a discrete mass and simulate a neoplastic lesion. Lymphoma must be considered in these cases because benign pseudotumor may evolve to lymphoma.

Reference: http://spinwarp.ucsd.edu/NeuroWeb/Text/orb-220.htm#:~:text=The%20scleral%20margin%20often%20appears,density%20with%20poorly%20defined%20margins.

SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I recently had someone share with me "they are about to test me for cancer"

They whispered the last word "cancer". It struck me as peculiar. The whisper made the illness seem unclean or a shameful disease that one gets because they have walked along the fringes of good society.

I’m finding people's initial reaction interesting when I share what is going on with me. Sucking in air through their teeth with that "I’m so sorry that is so awful" look. Honestly, it’s probably a look I myself have given before to someone else, but being on the receiving end has given me an appreciation for being more aware and sensitive. People treat me as though I've just bought a ticket onboard the Titanic.

Really people, it is not that serious.

"and if I perish, I perish!” - Esther 4

I doubt many will understand how deeply I desire to be with the Lord. Not to just feel His presence with me here, but to actually be with Him in eternity - which means I would be dead here on earth. I desire that. I know it sounds morbid, and I absolutely state I am NOT suicidal. I just really wish I was already in heaven. This world is temporary, a vapor in the wind. It is full of evil, pain, and suffering. Yes of course I appreciate the goodness here, but I have something within me that reminds me that the things of this world are not to be held as treasures. Everything here can be gone in an instant - things, and people. It sucks. It does not mean I do not care about ANYTHING. I am not a robot, I have feelings. TO THIS DAY I cry for my dogs because I miss them desperately ..... oh great here come tears! 

One of the last pictures I took of my baby

OK, I'm back. If I died today, I would be with HIM. I would be in the presence of the almighty creator of all things for eternity. I would be able to hear His mighty yet gentle voice say "well done my good and faithful servant" and I would be able to join the angels eternally singing "Holy Holy Holy". I would finally meet precious Silvia, I could see what Tata has been up to and finally pick the Apostel Pauls's brain one to one! But above all - ABOVE ALL - My Lord  -  I WOULD BE RIGHT THERE! RIGHT THERE!

For now, I will be content and enjoy this life. My time here is doing my Father's will and praising Him, but oh how I long for Glory! Death does not scare me. I don't WANT to think about the pain of death, so I focus on not feeling pain ever again - EVER. SWEET!  When we read the promises of God, we know what is to come and there is this peace there. It is a peace that passes all understanding.

Maybe off the topic I started with, but eh it's my blog.....

So... in appreciation for being on the receiving end of pitiful "I'm sorry" glares and sentiments I encourage you to approach others with something positive. I know shocking news can naturally bring shocking responses, but after that initial shock wears off help that person focus on the good because most likely they can focus on the negative very well on their own. If someone tells you they have cancer, don't look at them like they are diseased or pitiful or worse - don't treat them like God just did them wrong. If you are someone facing a possible diagnosis - I encourage you not to worry about the end. I promise you through His word you will find comfort.  Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough worries of it's won.  If you are alive now, enjoy NOW.

PS just to clarify - I still don't know what I have. Biopsy to come soon I hope

Not my 1st Rodeo

People have been wondering why I wasn't scared about the biopsy. Simply put - this is not my 1st rodeo.

About a dozen years ago I had an abnormal growth removed from my right breast. It made me think of Chandler from Friends and his "nubbin"!

Someone told me they had just gone through a biopsy and that they were scared. As a believer in the teaching of the Holy Bible, she said " I know we are not supposed to be scared but I was". 

People keep telling me not to worry or be scared about what the doctors might find. I don't know how many other ways to say I really truly am not. I have NO REASON to lie about this. I used to conceal my true thoughts and feelings before coming to Christ. Now, unless I am not even aware of them, I don't really hide my emotions. It's too much work! I spent years being deceptive by putting my best face on and pretending all was peachy.  No more. This is me and I am much better at being real than wasting time and energy on pretending.  Disclaimer here - there is actually one area of my life that, if shared, would cause someone else pain. So that IS a closed topic.  

Back to my first rodeo. I had this growth for a long time, but I never thought much about it. I was in for a regular exam and there was no hiding it from the doctor who ordered it's removal. I was married at the time and don't even remember telling my ex about the surgery. I drove myself to the hospital and then home. I wasn't upset. I just remember being annoyed that I couldn't find parking!

I remember laying in the room before surgery when they came in with a local anesthetic. It was at that point that I was thought "oh wow they are about to stick that thing in my chest and cut into one of my girls!". I am the kind of person who does not think about a scary roller coaster ride until the safety restraints are being locked down! This trait is either a gift from God or I am truly missing some marbles! My friends would attest to the latter.

The biopsy revealed nothing, and I have not thought about it much since then.

So in my current rodeo, I am not scared. If anything, I am only frustrated with medical insurance delaying approval for the biopsy. The length of time it seems to be taking, I might be better off going to medical school and performing this myself!

I would rather NOT have my eyelid sliced open as they so casually described the outpatient biopsy, but I really wish it would happen already. "Heals up nicely" says my Dr.  

Anyhow this rodeo is proving much more trying, but I am not scared. I better get the chaps ready though.