People keep saying my eye looks better........ I beg to differ. Yes the surgical scar is healing and for the 1st time in a while, I have a crease again (albeit surgeon made). However now when I feel underneath my eye, I can feel even more growth which I didn't feel before. I can feel the original mass now getting hard where before it felt a bit flexible. I keep thinking today is the morning it will be gone, today is the day I get a miracle. I was thinking I'll be feeling pretty stupid for chopping off my hair to cover the eye. Daily I pray, daily I praise God and I'm in the Word - sometimes I have to fight every bad thought to do it - but I do it. This is hard, harder than being abandoned after 17 year - way harder. Harder than dealing with the aftermath of childhood molestation - way harder. Why? I have not a clue. I have prayed for answers. Perhaps I'm not seeing what God wants me to see or perhaps the visions I thought were from God are twisted. Whatever it is I have been long past ready to receive whatever God is trying to show me through this, yet no answers are coming. Still I seek it, knocking and pounding I'm after whatever it is. I never thought I was pretty, but now I feel like a monster, especially around children whose honesty comes through in their reactions when they see me. Sometimes I feel like this is punishment for vanity, but it's just a feeling and I don't truly believe my God works that way. I have to constantly fight off those thoughts. I'm tired of being tired because of medication. I am tired of well-meaning people throwing water rings at me (pep talks and scriptures) and hitting me over the head making me feel as if I am sinking even more rather than staying afloat. I wish people, especially Christians, would understand there are times when people just need prayer and encouragement. I know I am not perfect. I have never claimed to be. The things that people say, lead me to believe not everyone is spirit-led in their speech or responses because my Father knows what my heart can take and what will be of effect. The moment we assume we know what others need, and do not let the spirit lead, is when we start playing God. I am sure I am guilty of it, and this is a lesson well noted and learned on letting the spirit lead. I am grateful for all those who have been there for me in prayer because that is what I need above anything. I want this trial or season to be over but it is not and it is a daily struggle that is far greater than I share. I am still playing the waiting game, up to six more weeks till there are answers as to what I have. I still have to go in for a chest X-ray. I have learned so much about the medical industry from a patient's point of view and I believe it will help me later on. For now, I just have to remember all the things I've had to endure and put up with. Last week, on one of my darkest days, my friend Chan (like Shawn) was recapping my life and all the things I have been through since 2007 and said " and Shar can you imagine having gone through all this without Jesus as your Savior?" Oh man, I don't want to imagine any of this without Jesus, my Father, or the Holy Spirit. This is hard but are you kidding me with that? My Father knows this suffering a million times over. Jesus has been going through this with me and already knows the end. Without Him, I could not endure this.
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